i can't sleep when she's gone

i had nightmares but i prayed

for fraternity, for artists without ambulances.

i waited for shooting stars in your yard

to burst righteously out of puddles

to wish on, and wish it gone, and wish

you'd be the magnet. you always were.

my blog is pink, i lied

about how much i love you.

you're a marathon runner.

and i wish i was more fragile. it would be

a better excuse. i lie about everything

that matters too much to lose.

you yelled for her, i drowned in salt.

i looked in puppy eyes and pretended to pray,

and pull white over me like a body in deep snow,

someone who lost the fight for her life, but i couldn't do it.

under thin sharp shards i just found stone,

the beat of searching and delirium ripping us down

to our protesting bones, bent and begging.

there's no breath near me now and all i have

to make a struggle for is soft made fur and warm

false eyes, and this, like you, doesn't want my help.

even when i gave and gave to life, it didn't take.

he arched his back but i miss her roughness.

feste

on blue and gold days let's remember gray ones

let's remember shipwrecks while we swim

and purchase diamonds on a whim - 

let's mess up and drown

we'll burst right back dressed up in masks

that slowly strip to shreds and we'll be prettier -

all our promises will luckily be lies and

yes, we'll explode far into the future

roaring like bears and eating music

trains

only the split ends need a trim

i'll keep the pictures, milk crates, socks

so fit it all right in

it's just a name, it's all the same, and yet

i thought i couldn't wait

last night i watched the laundry again

like i thought i did then

the slip of powder soap, the sound

of rails and singing in the wind and tying ends-

take my arm and hammer it home

i still hear my little whisper look

i wrote this poem for you

but it was for new england towns and snow

and dark skies and eyes - a cloud casts, a spark flies

a star falls and it's gone